so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
