Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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