Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
