so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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