Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
