His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
