You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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