i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
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I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
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if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick