Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.