I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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