Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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