you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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