I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
