Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
