I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
