My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
