i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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