I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
