dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
