No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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