YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
BRING THE BAGELS
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
