I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
