I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
