I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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