She's like a pop up book from hell.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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