smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i think my mom watched the whole time
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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