A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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