When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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