I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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