You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
