I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
