I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm experimenting with sincerity
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
