trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
