Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
