my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
