My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
