I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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