life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
