your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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