He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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