When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
