my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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