cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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