considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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