I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
