how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
