why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sext me about skeletons
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
