I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
