what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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