If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
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i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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