i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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