This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
