im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
