His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
